Frustrated.

On days like this, where I am unbelievably frustrated and antsy, I try to remember the positive things I have done since I moved to Atlanta. I've made a list, and I will share it with all of you.

1. I moved to a new city without much of an idea of where to live.
2. I found an apartment for Daniel and me all by myself.
3. I took a job at a restaurant I had never been to, working with people I had never met or heard of.
4. I haven't had a panic attack in nearly five months.
5. I stood strong and worked hard through the toughest workweek of my life (for 110 hours).
6. I have maintained a relatively positive attitude and outlook through this entire experience, even though I have been sick, mistreated, and stressed.
7. I finished my externship manual extremely early.
8. I have struggled through adversity that I didn't think was still a major issue, and now I am more aware of the battle I will be fighting for the rest of my career.
9. I have learned things, tons of things.
10. I am continuously realizing that I am stronger than I thought I was, and that I can be just as tough as the people I work with.

Today is a rough day, and it has barely even started. I am currently living in a situation that I damn near despise; being expected to clean like a maid FOR FREE, pay unexpected bills for a service I barely use, and most of all maintain a household full of nasty college boys, all while trying to get enough sleep over the screaming of drunk girls in my living room and loud upstairs neighbors that may or may not constantly be playing DDR. I'm ready for a change.

At any other point in my life, I would make the change. I would never stand for any of this as my normal self, but right now it isn't worth it. I can see the light at the end of this twisted, confusing, dark tunnel. Eleven days you guys, all I have is eleven days left. I can do this.

Comfortably Uncomfortable.

Coming back to Restaurant Eugene after the Masters has been difficult. I've only worked twice this week, and, honestly, that might be the problem. What is down time? What do I do with it? How do I balance real life with work? I feel dumb reacting like this after only a week, but I just feel...strange. 

Currently, I am being a terrible girlfriend. I can't seem to act normally, regardless of the situation. I got used to maybe two phone calls a day from someone outside of my immediate vicinity, and after a week of that, I forgot how to balance work with my personal life. I'm trying really really hard, but I feel like I'm being distant. I'm not trying to be, I just don't feel like myself yet.

This sensation has left me to wonder: do all cooks/chefs feel like this? Is there a disconnect with the rest of the world for our entire career? I mean, having a completely opposite schedule from everyone is fun to brag about while we're young, but what about if we want to start a family? How do you tell your little one that you can take them to school, but you will never be around to pick them up or tuck them in at night? (Not that I am even remotely interested in having children right now, but what if I decide to later on?) Don't get me wrong, I love this lifestyle. It makes me feel strong, and included by a group of people who have worked very hard for very long. I love this crowd, I love these people, I love my work. I'm simply asking myself reasonable, adult questions that everyone should consider before they make important life decisions. 

I have to decide, fairly quickly, whether or not I am willing to deal with being comfortable while remaining slightly (if not more) uncomfortable for many years to come. 

And now here's a video of an adorable otter.

Craziest 9 Days of My Life

So, the Masters. For those of you who follow my Facebook, you will know that, last Sunday, I left Atlanta to come to Augusta, GA to work the Masters tournament. I am here to document this past week, just for your entertainment.

So apparently, before the staff left for Augusta, there was a meeting where we all found out about our individual duties, housemates, and random other facts and rules about the trip. I, for whatever reason, was not invited to attend this meeting. All I knew was what Woolery (we call him Woody) told me: that I was doing breakfast and lunch service, taking a break, and then coming back to plate desserts after dinner service had ended. That was all the information I had.

So Sunday morning comes around and Daniel leaves me at the restaurant to catch a ride with the rest of the staff. We left late, and arrived in Augusta in the late morning. We immediately headed down to the tent to start setting up our equipment. It was a long day. We are literally working in a circus tent that is air conditioned, and has two fans. We have three fridges, two freezers, three induction burners, a dishwashing station, two long prep stations, a dry storage area, shelves for glassware and plates, and a few tables for the front of house people to prep their stuff.

The rest of the week is a blur, and I will not bore you with all of the details about my daily struggles. However, my primary duties ended up including: arriving at the tent by 5:30 AM, plating all of the breakfast platters and helping my server counterpart set up the buffet, making ~60 sandwiches daily, wrapping them to Chef Hopkins' specifications, and then helping the same server set up the lunch buffet. While I'm attempting to prep and make sandwiches (this takes A LOT longer than you would expect, as I have to wrap them each in crazy butcher paper and sticker them...it's just silly), I have to constantly run back and forth to the clubhouse to refill platters for John (the server) because he is not allowed to leave the dining room. That part was my least favorite of my entire week. Being constantly interrupted whilst trying to prepare food is, like, the worst thing ever.

After my first shift of the day, I was understandably exhausted. Typically I would leave around 3 PM, head home, have a drink, and go to sleep for as long as possible. I usually ended up getting about 2-3 additional hours of sleep every day, which I needed. I would have died without those naps. Three out of the nine days, however, I had to come back and wash linens. For some reason, we did not receive any more deliveries for the entire week, so I played laundry maid. I was not a huge fan of this duty, but I was also the only person with any time off during the day (NOT true, there were plenty of other FOH people who could have done the laundry, but whatever), so I was more than willing to help.

So tomorrow is my last day of having to wake up before it's appropriate to plate pastries and muffins for the overly-wealthy; and instead of prepping sandwiches like I usually would, I will be spending my time packing up the kitchen until the rest of the guys get there to help me. I cannot wait to get home.

My body is not well. My feet throb, my knees creak, my elbows crack, my wrists are weak, my head constantly hurts from dehydration, I've lost at least five pounds, I haven't slept enough for 7 nights, but emotionally, I'm on a freaking cloud. This has been, by far, the hardest week of work I have ever experienced. I have been used, abused, battered, and bruised (Ferngully reference, anyone?), but I feel like I accomplished more than I ever have before (in a work environment). I have a newly-discovered confidence in myself and my capabilities in a kitchen that I don't think I could have achieved from just a week of restaurant work. Being put in the shit, literally, with a lack of necessary supplies, a hot (outdoor) kitchen, and an astronomical level of responsibility has proved me to be quite the extern. I believe in myself and my life decisions more than ever after this week. I can now say, with confidence, that I am good at what I do.

I didn't take many pictures this week because of how busy I was, but here are a few that I did take. Enjoy!

Our Smoker

Look at that beauty. 

Driving home, dead tired.

Idk, they were interviewing a famous golfer? 

Mmmmm more meat.

My coworker, Miles, double fisting Mountain Dew.

Ben and Miles cheersing with their Dews. 

Pulling pork for the Sunday BBQ

Being silly and delirious in the kitchen.

Basically, I'm going to miss working so closely with these guys. We've had a great time through our heat exhaustion, delirium, and long shifts. I didn't think it was possible to work this hard for this long and enjoy myself for every minute. I give these guys all the credit. They are truly awesome.

Vay-Kay.

You guys, I am so excited.

I am very fortunate, for the moment, because my parents live only 5 hours away. There's no telling if this phenomenon will repeat itself anytime during my adult life; so I'm trying to take full advantage of it. To adhere to this policy of full-advantage-taking, Daniel and I are headed down to the sunshine state on Thursday to visit them until Sunday! I'm very excited. I've already informed them that I will be clearing out the oyster supply in Jacksonville, and that the Maker's Mark factory better start sending more bottles down that way because I'll surely be making an impact on their stock as well.

It will be nice to get away from Atlanta for a few days, and finally be surrounded by people who will talk to me without it being either forced or required by our co-worker status. It's weird to think that people, somewhere out there, care about what I have to say! Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, they won't pretend to use a microplane to mutilate their ears every time I speak! Maybe they'll call me by my real name instead of "extern", "girl", "devil girl", or any of the other (much more obscene) nicknames that my kitchen comrades have concocted for me. (It may sound like I'm joking about all of this, but I'm actually not. I'm stoked to have a legitimate conversation with my family, who cares about me and what I'm talking about.)

I'm also excited to report that the new Miyazaki movie, "From Up on Poppy Hill", is coming to Atlanta on April 19th, and that I will be at the Atlantic Station Regal Cinemas at midnight on the 18th to see it! If anyone is close to Atlanta at that point and wants to come see it with me...I would love to have a group of Miyazaki nerds to watch it with!

Picture of the movie poster.

Recently I've been considering what I would like to do with my life after graduation. I've always joked about moving to Canada if this country can't get things straight (or maybe a little LESS straight...), but now I'm kindof seriously considering it. I looked up the citizenship process and it isn't that difficult: you have to speak either French or English (I am fluent in both), you can't be a criminal (I'm not...), you have to be 18, and you have to live in their country for 3 years. I figured I could get a permanent work Visa and then apply later on if I love it as much as I think I'm going to. I don't know for sure yet, and I have to discuss it with Daniel, but it's slowly becoming a real option for my future.

So today I got called off of work because we had 11 covers on the reservation book for this evening. Aaron said they just didn't need a second person to come in. SO, I did a few thing to cheer myself up. I went to Lenox Square mall with Daniel where I purchased a few things from Forever 21, a Starbucks coffee, and a Subway sandwich. It's been so long since I've bought clothes for myself, and walking out of a store with a bag of things for ME to wear that are actually CUTE...it's just such a nice feeling. I'm pretty sure I'm out of spending money for the month, but the stuff I got was actually really needed. I am now the proud owner of three pairs of jeans! Woot! I'm like a real female now!

Now, to conclude, here are some pictures.

Macarons with a raspberry fennel ganache filling. 

Chef tasting dessert: Celery Ganache, Matcha Apples, Pâte a choux, Toasted Buttermilk, and Almonds.

Passion Fruit Pâte a Fruit.

Recently-baked violet creme brulées.

Working on a Kugelhopf for one of my besties! (Rather ineffectively, I might add.) 

And then I'm weird again.

I'll post pictures from our trip when we return! I hope everyone has a great week/weekend. :)

Brief Blah Blah

I have such great intentions (and plenty of time) to update this blog, but I always forget. Plus, interesting things rarely happen to me anymore. It is also hard to make them happen when you are seriously lacking in the cash department.

I decided I would update today, because at least SOMETHING new happened yesterday. I worked my first solo shift! Usually, when I work, I have either Billy or Chef Aaron there with me for the entire shift. Aaron spends more time upstairs, allowing me to run the station solo for most of the evening, but he always at least stops by to make sure everything is running smoothly. Billy always works side-by-side with me for the entire night.

I know a lot of you are like "woah, that's dumb, I've been working by myself for my entire externship." Well, congratulations. I haven't been, and I'm excited to say that I felt comfortable to run the station, plate desserts, discuss cheeses with servers, and close everything correctly for the first time by myself since I started at Restaurant Eugene. I also heard from one of the guys on the line that they didn't let the previous extern run the station solo until her last three weeks on the job. I'm proud of myself!

Today has been relatively boring, but I got too caught up (meaning two weeks ahead) on my externship manual (again), and it's USA's Law and Order: SVU marathon day so I haven't been lacking for entertainment. I'm looking forward to going in to work tomorrow because we have a buyout (where someone basically "rents" the restaurant for the entire evening), and I haven't gotten to work one yet. It should be an interesting experience.

I don't have too many pictures to post now, but I'll see what I can dig up to share with you guys!

Well, this is something.

Atlanta Blues.

Well, my plans to go to Knoxville on Thursday have (yet again) been canceled, because Jeremy is sick. He thinks it's strep, and I refuse to go anywhere near that. Ain't nobody got time for strep! I'm hoping to hear later today that he doesn't have strep, and that whatever he has isn't contagious so that Daniel and I can still venture up that way.

I am really struggling in Atlanta. I like my job, my living situation is great-ish, and nothing is ACTUALLY wrong, I'm just lonely. And stressed. And it's making me depressed. It's starting to manifest itself physically. I have no appetite, and even when I do, I feel nauseous every time I eat. I've basically stopped drinking, with only a rare exception, and it's been since then that this ickiness has come over my stomach.

I'm not sure what to do with myself, since all of my coworkers are men and it would be weird for me to ask them to hang out. I literally have no time to make friends with anyone else, nor do I have any idea how to. I've never not had school or Naples, and now I don't understand how adults make friends outside of their jobs. I just don't get it.

So I've got to figure some things out. I know I only have a few months here, but it's getting silly how sad I am. Turns out, I'm not as much of a loner as I thought I was, I need human interaction. Daniel is always great to have around, but when I have days off and he doesn't, I literally sit by myself until he calls me to come get him at 11:30 at night.

Most of my classmates have been telling me how jealous they are of all of my spare time, and all of the things they would do with it, but I don't think they understand how it's affected me. I get really depressed when I'm forced to be stagnant, and having more than one day off a week makes me remember how lonely I actually am in this city. I'm too far ahead on my externship manual to continue working on it, and there aren't many other things besides Lego Harry Potter that can keep me occupied. It's sad.

Anyway, I made soup today, and I'll share it with you to not end this entry on a sad note.

Broccoli Cheddar Soup:
6 T unsalted butter
1 small onion, diced
1/4 cup flour
2 cups lactose free 2% milk
3 cups chicken stock
2 bay leaves
Salt and pepper
Paprika
4 cups broccoli florets
1 large carrot, diced
3 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese

Melt butter, cook onions in it until tender (about 5 minutes). Whisk in flour and cook roux until golden. Gradually whisk in milk. Then add stock, bay leaves, salt, pepper, and paprika (the latter 3 to taste). Cook about 20 minutes or until the mixture has thickened. Add vegetables and cook another 20 minutes until they are tender. Immersion blender the soup. Stir in the cheese and whisk until it melts. Serve hot.

It's a good soup, and I'm going to use it to trick my body into digesting food. I'm hoping that by consuming a primarily-liquid, calorie-rich food, that my body will be less angry when I eat. We'll see what happens.

Thinkin'.

Posting during externship is proving to be difficult. Things aren't as variable as they are at school, and I've sortof fallen into the slump of every day life, having a 40-hour-per-week job, and trying to maintain everyday tasks like laundry and the kitchen. I feel a bit like a housewife, even though I work all the time. I've taken to making casseroles and desserts for the house, and on my days off I fill the fridge with food for the week. It's slightly depressing.

On top of that, I'm starting to re-evaluate my situation. I'm considering, now more than ever, not going back to school. I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me, or think that I'm a failure or a quitter, I'm just having some serious doubts about the direction my life is taking. I do not want to continue to pay an institution who does not value their students above the amount of money they are willing to put towards their education. Some of us are monetarily poor, but are rich in passion for cooking and life in general. We are the people who should be rewarded for our efforts, not those who can simply afford to take an expensive exam more times than the rest of us are allowed.

I'm still on the fence about this matter, and there is a much higher chance that I will swallow my pride and continue on with my schooling (especially after talking to my Dad), than stopping. Once I return, however, I will be playing a different game. I will suck every gram of information out of every chef I come across, just to ensure that I am receiving my money's worth. I'll also be concentrating a lot more on myself, and refusing to allow anyone to get in my way of success. I need to consider my peers, but I also need to think about how unfairly I feel I have been treated in this situation.

On a lighter note, the pastry chef I work under (Chef Aaron Russell) has been nominated for the James Beard Award of Outstanding Pastry Chef! I am so excited and honored to be able to work under such a talented guy. I'm proud of him and the entire staff of Restaurant Eugene for working hard to earn this prestigious title. Even if he is only nominated, and does not win the award, I'll at least know he deserves it! He really is awesome.

Anyway, I'll end this post with a few pictures and a promise to keep everyone informed about the decision I make regarding my schooling.

Persimmons! They're what happens when squash and butterscotch have a baby.

For Daniel's birthday we went to the zoo!

B'awwwww

My favorite picture of the expedition, and by far the creepiest.

Daniel with his birthday cheesecake :)

The Grapefruit dessert at work. Peanut and Pistachio Toffee, Grapefruit Segments, Green tea gel, Red wine Gastrique, and Saffron Foam.

Chef said I made a beautiful cheesecake plate the other day.

Salted Caramel Ganache, Cocoa Nib Tuile, Vanilla Foam.

Buenos noches! (That's right, I'm also teaching myself to speak Spanish.) ((BOOM.))