Vows

Our wedding is only six months away.

Only? Yes, only.

I have planned just about everything so far; the location, the officiant, the DJ...almost everything is totally decided upon besides our final guest count and the menu for the reception.

During this time, I have decided to reflect upon my ENTIRE life, and the people who have brought me to where I am today. This blog entry is dedicated to the most important person in my life currently, and how he has changed me for the better.

Daniel.

I won't write down, for the public eye, what exactly I'm going to say to you during our nuptials, because honestly I don't know what to say to you.  How do you write down words that don't accurately describe all of your feelings? I'm not talented enough a writer to write about the love and ecstasy you are held responsible for in my life. I am not nearly eloquent enough to describe how it feels to wake up next to you every day, to listen to your breathing and be just so satisfied that you're here with me.

I don't know the words to explain how, when you kiss my cheek at work, I feel giddy in the midst of a giant prep list that needs to be conquered. How, when you do small things like draw pictures for me on the white board on the fridge, I feel connected to you, even when you're asleep in the next room.

I certainly won't mention to you how satisfying it is to make you a ham sandwich every day for work, not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to provide for you and make sure you're healthy and full. Again, I'm seriously, in all seriousness, unable to say how that makes me feel in a way that the rest of the world will understand. Making a ham sandwich? Domesticated! Boring! Silly! Somehow, now that it is my daily routine, it has made me love you even more. It makes me understand how important someone can be to me, in a way that I have never felt before.

I absolutely will not go into detail about all of the hell I went through in prior relationships, because it doesn't matter anymore. Sure, they contribute to me and all of my self-confidence issues, but it doesn't matter, because you're here. You are a knight, slowly slashing through the red tape and brick walls that surround my inner self. You persistently love me. You simply will not give up, regardless of my problems and my guarded heart. You love my heart, even when it is made of stone.

I just wrote this blog because I was thinking about you. I always think about you, but tonight it was especially humbling.

You will never know what you mean to me, regardless of how many blog posts I write about you. It's okay that I'm not a good enough writer to explain our relationship, I think the secrecy of my love is special and wonderful.

I love you, babe, and thanks for everything.

Itching.

I totally forgot to post after my huge news!

Daniel and I are ENGAGED as of January 7, 2015! I know that was over a month ago, but life has been busy. I have been scheduling all of my days around planning a wedding, and icing enough cookies to supply the entire city of Atlanta (it feels like).

As of now, we are getting married on October 18 at the Piedmont Room in Atlanta. If anything changes, I will be sure to alert everyone!

As far as life goes, things are busy, but going well. I have been working at Star Provisions since November of last year, and I couldn't be happier. I work long days (most of the time), but my ever-wonderful boss allows me to test recipes and come up with new products to sell in the store. I love that I get to smell cookies, brownies, and cooking sugar all day every day. I do not miss working as a pastry line cook in a restaurant. I do not miss it at all. One thing I do miss? My fiance.

Daniel still works nights, and I work from 7 AM-3 PM. He gets to work at 1 PM and doesn't leave until 1 AM most days. Fortunately, Chef schedules us with the same days off, but it still makes for a lonely apartment in the afternoons.

That being said, I am itching for new things to do. Wedding planning takes up a fair amount of my time, but not enough. I miss expanding my knowledge, I miss reading, and I miss creating things. I mean, my job is chock-full of creations, but I want to paint or sculpt again. I've been researching taking a ceramics class, but everything is restricted by money, as usual.

I'm working on a way to have a hobby, but one that I can participate in freely or with things I have at hand. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

Until I hear from you guys, here are a few pictures of the things I've been making at Star!

Peppermint Fudge

NYE Sugar Cookies

Black Forest Tarts

Valentine's Day Cookies

Blue Macs for Winter!

Downsizing.

The bad/annoying news: Daniel and I have to move from our current apartment because the new company jacked the rental prices.

The good news: we found a new place! We will be paying less money per month, but we will also be living in a MUCH smaller place.

We're getting back to the basics (plus a few nifty things to make sure we don't have to get rid of everything we own), and that is okay. At first I was stressed, angry and overwhelmed by the idea of getting rid of things that I love, but now I am at peace with the notion. I have come to realize, through this situation and my perpetual struggle to make ends meet, that I don't need "stuff". I mean, I'm a realist, and I know that everyone needs "stuff", but not ALL of the stuff. I am learning to let go.

All I need is my life, my Daniel and a job that makes me happy. Fortunately, I have all of those things. The spare couch, my favorite table and chairs and the extra bathroom all take a back seat to the things that I value most: the things that don't cost any money.

Is this growing up? Realizing that the most important things are fueled by love instead of cash? I certainly hope so. This epiphany has made me feel damn good.

Student Loan Debt.

I got myself into this, right? I signed up to go to the most expensive culinary school in the country, and off I went. Within two magnificent years, I had accumulated $80k worth of debt. That number didn't seem to phase me while I was still getting a small sliver of it sent straight to my bank account every semester during school. Now? NOW? That number rules my life. I want to try to explain that feeling to people who don't shoulder such a hefty blob of debt.

It's like kayaking in the middle of a shark-infested ocean, with no chance of a larger rescue boat. You know that inevitably you will be eaten alive.

It's like being a loan spaghetti noodle in the Congo River in Africa. Have you seen those rapids? A spaghetti noodle would not last long.

It's like being trapped in a really cold, damp cave with no light. You are stumbling blindly, hands out in front of you, praying for a single beam to illuminate your path, but it never comes. Everything that surrounds you is slimy and unforgiving.

It's like pounding away at a steel beam with a sourdough baguette.

It's like screaming at the top of your lungs for help, but there being no one around for miles and miles and miles.

It feels like trying to carry around a really large water bed on your shoulders, by yourself.

It feels a lot like suffocating, I imagine. 

Living with $700 loan payments on an hourly wage, working as many hours as I'm allowed (seriously, I get kicked out of work at the end of every week so I don't get too much overtime) means:

I cry at nothing. Literally, I started writing this post and now I'm crying.

I cry when I look at people's Instagram photos of nice dinners or evenings with their significant others. I can't have that.

I cry when I listen to Christmas music, because I just spent money on Christmas presents for my friends and family that I should have used to eat this month. I'm living off of Knorr noodle sides.

I have to really bite my lip when I go to the grocery store. I checked out at Publix the other day and cried the whole way home, because I don't know how long I can make this food stretch.

I cry because I get angry at my bunnies for eating too much hay, too many greens or pellets. They never know I'm angry, but the guilt that I feel for getting upset when I fill their food bowls pushes me over the edge. I mean, they're the cutest things ever. How can a good person get angry at them?

I saved a sandwich for four days because I didn't eat it one day at work, and I could not bring myself to throw away three slices of ham, a tablespoon of mayonnaise, a tablespoon of mustard, four pickle slices and two pieces of bread. Half of that sandwich was my lunch today. The other half will be for tomorrow.

I have looked into several options to lower my loan payments to fit my salary, and my options are basically non-existent. Government loans are a little more forgiving, you can lower your payments based on your income. I sent in a pay stub and they knocked $50 off of my monthly bill. The private loan company I used was very excited to offer me lower payments for a year, but then they casually mentioned that my payments would be even higher the next year. They said, "Maybe by then you'll get a promotion or find a better job!" I said, "Nice try, but bye."

The absolute worst part is that this whole thing is MY FAULT. It was my decision to go to the stupid CIA, nobody forced me into this horror except myself. I am dumb, dumb, dumb. I can't even channel my anger correctly because if I did, it would all be at myself. I don't regret going to school because there I met my Daniel and some of my best friends, and I also learned that I can be good at something and love to do it for a living at the same time. However, if I was going to do it all over again, I would have saved more. I would have waited until I could pay off at least part of every semester by myself. I may not have gone at all, but then where would my life be?

This time, right now, is both the best and worst part of my life. My personal life is so excellent, with my perfect boyfriend and our bunny children. I love my job and I love my coworkers. I love making cakes, cookies, candies and confections. I do not, however, love this black fog that constantly surrounds my judgement and my attitude. It's hard to feel hopeful right now. It's very hard.

I guess I just have to keep working and waiting for some redemption, I just hope it comes soon.

Past and Present.

This entry will be short, because it has to be.

Four years ago, my life changed drastically for the better. I left a situation in which I was dating a man who ended up stalking me, causing me to get a restraining order against him. He was into some extremely shady business, and I wanted no part of it. Since then, I have conquered many fears that I once had about life, and about my future. I have met a wonderful man with whom I live and share two bunny children. My life is on a direction that I am very proud of.

That being said, it has been brought to my attention that he has recently viewed my LinkedIn profile, and even this blog. I am here to say that I am not afraid of you, sir, and no amount of your presence could EVER make me regret getting out of the scariest, most devastating situation of my entire life. I am a happy, healthy, full-grown woman nowadays, and your desire to seek out information about me only makes me sad for you. I wish you no good fortune, as the hell you put me through does not warrant my encouragement, but I do wish that you would get back to whatever life you have made for yourself and stay the hell away from mine.

I will most likely end up taking this post down, but it feels good to put it out there, if even just for a little while.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support and love.

Opening a Restaurant.

Well, I have embarked on a new adventure.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would be starting a new position at The Luminary, working under Chef Eli Kirshtein. Well, I have begun! It has been a slow process, and the opening has been delayed by weeks, but it has been one hell of a ride.

We started last week by cooking the full menu for the staff. I went in this past Thursday and prepped up my station for 8 hours. Then, the following day, I came in and plated all of the desserts for our front of house group. We got some feedback from them and Eli, and we made adjustments accordingly.

After that, we had a weekend off. As I said, this process has been slow. I was having a conversation with one of my fellow line cooks about it, and he said, "You know how much it sucks to not work weekends? Well some people have EVERY weekend off!" We both laughed, because we know that neither one of us will know that luxury for many, many years. I guess, in our eyes, we didn't see it as a luxury. We saw it as an inconvenience, and a severely depleted paycheck.

So, yesterday, Garden & Gun magazine and Ralph Lauren Home bought out the restaurant, even though we aren't open yet. We served ~65 people, and it was fun! We started everyone out with gougeres, seafood towers, and beets with bernaise sauce. After everyone was seated, we served a bibb lettuce salad with a tarragon vinaigrette. The entrees were a choice of fish, steak frites, or the vegetarian option which featured some delicious chickpea flour fries (I'm not sure of their real title). I made sure to try a bit of each plate, and they were all wonderful. The dessert course was profiteroles filled with coffee diplomat, served with a hazelnut caramel sauce. SO yummy.

So anyway, after service, we talked to Chef Eli, and he told us that we are still waiting on our liquor license to be finalized. We will hopefully be back in the restaurant on Tuesday to start prepping again, and then we will most likely open later in the week. I cannot wait to work a full-time job again! I am immensely excited to work with this group of folks in the kitchen, but I'm ready for it to start already. I feel like part of me is missing every time I DON'T work a Saturday night shift.

Anyway, I snapped a few pictures during service, and here they are! I was so busy plating dessert that I didn't have time to take any pictures, sorry!

Bibb salad with tarragon vinaigrette and summer squash, fennel.

Vegetarian Option! Chickpea flour fries, squash, tomatoes, aioli.

Steak frites.

Fish with tomatoes and slaw. Sooooo good.

Spinning Plates.

For awhile now, I haven't felt like posting. I have been getting used to life outside of school, and everything seems boring, mundane, and not worth writing about.

Then I watched Spinning Plates, a documentary on Netflix featuring three very different restaurants and their day-to-day operations and goals. It has me thinking positively, for the first time in awhile.

I am PROUD to be a part of this industry. Whatever tiny part I play in the grand concerto of the food world, I am happy to be here, doing what I do. I may get paid terribly, worked too hard, and bullied, but when I prove myself, the joy that comes from a satisfied look on peoples' faces who are consuming my food reassures me. I may not be making much of a difference right now, but one day, I will. I just know it.

That being said, I want to catch everyone up on what has been going on in Atlanta since Daniel and I moved here. I began work at King + Duke in Buckhead, and am still currently a pastry cook for them. In April, I got a second job working for Anne Quatrano at Star Provisions. I worked directly under one of the most wonderful women I have ever met, named Zibaa.

I don't think Zibaa would want me to dedicate this entire post to her, but I definitely could. She is worth more words than I could ever express. Her work ethic is nearly insane, her positive attitude radiates throughout the whole building, and her desire to see people excel is just invigorating. I learned a lot working for her at Star.

Unfortunately, I had to leave Star Provisions. I was offered a promotion within the Rocket Farms company, and for the longest time, I had planned to accept the title of lead pastry cook at The Optimist on Howell Mill. I had to leave Star to ensure that I could dedicate myself entirely to The Optimist, even though I would be making significantly less money having only one job.

However, because life is extremely unpredictable, I got a text one day from my externship pastry chef, Aaron Russell. He told me about a friend of his who is opening a new restaurant called The Luminary in an up-and-coming market called Krog Street in July, and that he had given him my contact information. Mind you, this is one of the first times Chef Aaron has ever complimented my skills and aptitude in the kitchen. Chefs are not notorious for their excessively complimentary demeanor, no matter how well you feel that you are doing. Usually they express their gratitude just like this, by a verbal recommendation to one of their highly-ranked colleagues that you, in fact, do not suck.

I did some research, only to discover that Chef Eli was on Top Chef season 6, and that he has worked for Michelin star restaurants in NYC, and also that he is a CIA Graduate, just like myself. I was intrigued, so I went to meet with him. After the first interview/conversation we had, my interest had been peaked. I love the style of food that he wants to serve, I love the atmosphere of the new restaurant (even though it is just now coming together, there is barely any furniture in the building at all), and I enjoyed talking with Eli. He is a no-nonsense guy whose wife is a pastry chef at another restaurant in Atlanta. In other words, he has respect for pastry people, because he is married to one. That is a rare quality to find in chefs, because most of them think pastry people are weird, quiet, nerdy, and prefer extremely shiny sheet pans to well-seasoned cast irons. All of those things are true, by the way, but it is one thing to think that about a group of people, and it is another thing entirely to respect us for our strange qualities.

Anyway, after much deliberation and advice-seeking, I decided to put in my notice at King + Duke, and to move over to work at The Luminary with Chef Eli. I am off on a risky, but exciting culinary adventure. I am so grateful for the opportunity to open a new restaurant with a group of people that I already respect. I think that opening this place will guide me in my future aspirations, and will also teach me a lot about how a restaurant should be run.

For now, though, I am working at King + Duke, and trying to hold my own by working six day-weeks without any overtime. I appreciate the very little downtime that I have, and I am using it to finish reading my Chocolates and Confections book, as well as doing research on how to know everything there is to know about the culinary world.

The one thing I love most about this industry that I work in, is the constant evolution. There is always someone out there doing something new, and trying to keep up with the new trends is almost like having a second job in itself. Watching Grant Achatz in Spinning Plates made me realize, more than ever, that things are always changing in the food world, and that a casual jog is not going to catch me up to the big names in this industry. At this point, I need to start out at a full sprint, and learn until my brain explodes. And when my brain explodes? Put the pieces back together in a new way, and maybe I will be the one who comes up with the next big thing.

Until that happens, I'm going to keep reading, keep studying, and keep working towards my end goal of knowing everything possible about everything. I'll let you guys know how it's going.