Downsizing.

The bad/annoying news: Daniel and I have to move from our current apartment because the new company jacked the rental prices.

The good news: we found a new place! We will be paying less money per month, but we will also be living in a MUCH smaller place.

We're getting back to the basics (plus a few nifty things to make sure we don't have to get rid of everything we own), and that is okay. At first I was stressed, angry and overwhelmed by the idea of getting rid of things that I love, but now I am at peace with the notion. I have come to realize, through this situation and my perpetual struggle to make ends meet, that I don't need "stuff". I mean, I'm a realist, and I know that everyone needs "stuff", but not ALL of the stuff. I am learning to let go.

All I need is my life, my Daniel and a job that makes me happy. Fortunately, I have all of those things. The spare couch, my favorite table and chairs and the extra bathroom all take a back seat to the things that I value most: the things that don't cost any money.

Is this growing up? Realizing that the most important things are fueled by love instead of cash? I certainly hope so. This epiphany has made me feel damn good.

Student Loan Debt.

I got myself into this, right? I signed up to go to the most expensive culinary school in the country, and off I went. Within two magnificent years, I had accumulated $80k worth of debt. That number didn't seem to phase me while I was still getting a small sliver of it sent straight to my bank account every semester during school. Now? NOW? That number rules my life. I want to try to explain that feeling to people who don't shoulder such a hefty blob of debt.

It's like kayaking in the middle of a shark-infested ocean, with no chance of a larger rescue boat. You know that inevitably you will be eaten alive.

It's like being a loan spaghetti noodle in the Congo River in Africa. Have you seen those rapids? A spaghetti noodle would not last long.

It's like being trapped in a really cold, damp cave with no light. You are stumbling blindly, hands out in front of you, praying for a single beam to illuminate your path, but it never comes. Everything that surrounds you is slimy and unforgiving.

It's like pounding away at a steel beam with a sourdough baguette.

It's like screaming at the top of your lungs for help, but there being no one around for miles and miles and miles.

It feels like trying to carry around a really large water bed on your shoulders, by yourself.

It feels a lot like suffocating, I imagine. 

Living with $700 loan payments on an hourly wage, working as many hours as I'm allowed (seriously, I get kicked out of work at the end of every week so I don't get too much overtime) means:

I cry at nothing. Literally, I started writing this post and now I'm crying.

I cry when I look at people's Instagram photos of nice dinners or evenings with their significant others. I can't have that.

I cry when I listen to Christmas music, because I just spent money on Christmas presents for my friends and family that I should have used to eat this month. I'm living off of Knorr noodle sides.

I have to really bite my lip when I go to the grocery store. I checked out at Publix the other day and cried the whole way home, because I don't know how long I can make this food stretch.

I cry because I get angry at my bunnies for eating too much hay, too many greens or pellets. They never know I'm angry, but the guilt that I feel for getting upset when I fill their food bowls pushes me over the edge. I mean, they're the cutest things ever. How can a good person get angry at them?

I saved a sandwich for four days because I didn't eat it one day at work, and I could not bring myself to throw away three slices of ham, a tablespoon of mayonnaise, a tablespoon of mustard, four pickle slices and two pieces of bread. Half of that sandwich was my lunch today. The other half will be for tomorrow.

I have looked into several options to lower my loan payments to fit my salary, and my options are basically non-existent. Government loans are a little more forgiving, you can lower your payments based on your income. I sent in a pay stub and they knocked $50 off of my monthly bill. The private loan company I used was very excited to offer me lower payments for a year, but then they casually mentioned that my payments would be even higher the next year. They said, "Maybe by then you'll get a promotion or find a better job!" I said, "Nice try, but bye."

The absolute worst part is that this whole thing is MY FAULT. It was my decision to go to the stupid CIA, nobody forced me into this horror except myself. I am dumb, dumb, dumb. I can't even channel my anger correctly because if I did, it would all be at myself. I don't regret going to school because there I met my Daniel and some of my best friends, and I also learned that I can be good at something and love to do it for a living at the same time. However, if I was going to do it all over again, I would have saved more. I would have waited until I could pay off at least part of every semester by myself. I may not have gone at all, but then where would my life be?

This time, right now, is both the best and worst part of my life. My personal life is so excellent, with my perfect boyfriend and our bunny children. I love my job and I love my coworkers. I love making cakes, cookies, candies and confections. I do not, however, love this black fog that constantly surrounds my judgement and my attitude. It's hard to feel hopeful right now. It's very hard.

I guess I just have to keep working and waiting for some redemption, I just hope it comes soon.