Why Not?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my situation. Where I've come from, where I've been. I'm different from a lot of people in this industry, as I've never been to jail, never gotten into any sort of financial trouble I couldn't wriggle my way out of, and I'm involved in a stable, healthy relationship. I contribute my success to how my parents raised me; there is not a chance I could have failed with them as my backbone.

I also realize that, even in a year, my mentality has entirely changed. I'm here to question WHY this has happened. When I started culinary school, I had panic attacks and anxiety through the roof. Every time I felt sick, I would throw myself into a panic that would cause fainting spells, heavy breathing, and inevitable tears. I experienced these attacks while in school, while tossing and turning in my bed at night, and in the dining hall surrounded by friends. There was no escaping the feeling of walls caving in, and, obviously, my imminent death. (That's what you tell yourself when you're in the midst of a panic attack.)

Currently, I have not experienced a panic attack in nearly a year. Post-externship, I returned to school as a different person, even if my classmates didn't realize it. I would never have let them know about my panicking; I would never show weakness to people that I had to work with every day. Before I moved to Atlanta the first time, I would call my condition pretty debilitating. I was always thinking of ways to avoid feeling sick or too hot or claustrophobic or too spontaneous. It was like a never-ending cycle of questioning whether or not I would make it through class that day.

After I finished my time at Restaurant Eugene, something changed. I left with a sense of confidence that I could make it through almost anything without spazzing out. Why? What has the restaurant industry truly DONE for me? It proved to me that I could live in extreme conditions (no food, no water, no place to sit, not a single comfortable place to stand, elevated temperatures....) without failing. No longer was I afraid of what I felt I could not complete.

When I returned to school, I did not suffer a single panic attack, even working in an environment where I was constantly in and out of a deep-fryer, working in a tiny kitchen that easily made it up to 90 degrees on a slow day. I never thought to myself, "you will not make it through this." I always KNEW that I could and would tough it out through any situation school could throw at me.

Now I sit here, facing reality (in a distorted sort of way), and I'm feeling EVEN CALMER than I was before. Sure, there are days I spend fretting over how the hell I'm supposed to pay all of my bills on $340/week, but other than that, I'm living on a friggin cloud. My mentality has become centered around the idea of "Why Not?" I still deal with pretty extreme social anxiety, and an occasional desire to run away from everything, but most of the time I ask myself, "Why not?" before making decisions. Why not work 15 hour days? Why not work harder than most of my coworkers, doing prep for other stations and cleaning up areas that no one even notices are dirty? Why not ask every question that comes to my mind? Why not try new recipes, even if they are strange? Why not eat at a new restaurant, and try the oddest thing on their menu? Why not apply for jobs in France, or England, or Spain? What could possibly go wrong if I stretch myself past the breaking point? I can do this. I always could do this. It may have taken me longer to realize than most people, but I have an ever-tightening grasp on who I am, and what I can and cannot do. And as far as I'm concerned, I can do anything.