I have a lot on my mind as I begin my next class at the CIA.
What sucks about this forum is that I can't openly express myself out of fear of offending my classmates, my school, or the chefs that I work with every day.
Regardless of that, I want you all to know that I have finally found the thing that makes me want to cry every time I have even the slightest trace of alcohol in my system. I was never the person that cries when they drink, but dammit, I am now. Even sitting here by myself, having had my nightcap, I am on the verge of tears because of an issue at school.
All I will admit is that it has to do with a chef that I nearly idolize, and a blatant disregard on his part (or maybe it ISN'T a disregard, which would make this situation even more upsetting) to invite his most loyal student to work on a large-scale project with him and a group of other students. Instead, he invited one of my classmates to work with him. Maybe I'm being immature, maybe I should be happy that this certain classmate got the opportunity to build something amazing with such an inspirational chef. The reality is, however, is that I'm upset. I'm more than upset; I'm devastated. I feel like I have never come in first place for any position on any team, and this realization coming at me from all sides is almost too much to handle.
On top of all of that, I have been invited to work with a chef that I respect less than any other chef on campus. Oh, quit your complaining, you say, you at least got invited to work with a chef, you say; she at least trusts your judgement. I was a second-stream pick. She would not have even invited me if the other person was unavailable this week. I was a second-stream option for a less-than-reputable chef.
How does that make YOU feel? Knowing me, knowing how low my self-confidence is to begin with, how do you think I feel about all of this?
If you can't answer that question, I will answer it for you. I am down in the freaking dumps. I want to cry every time I think about this. When I'm not thinking about how I've been rejected by someone I hold to such a high esteem, I can't ever seem to smile. Nothing I do truly uplifts me, because I know, in the back of my head, that I am never going to be a star player in any team, because I barely ever get off the bench.
I can't wait to get out of this place, to get into the real world where someone like me isn't ignored by chefs. I'll never be submersed in a group of people who are this much better than me ever again. Or maybe I will. Maybe I will always be less-than-the-best. Maybe I made a terrible life decision. Maybe everyone I ever knew is right. Maybe I should have taken a desk job after college.
I am so sick of doubting myself. All I want, in my entire life, is to be accepted by my colleagues as an equal, and to not be viewed as that ginger weirdo who sticks out like a sore thumb in a bakeshop. I'm not sorry for who I am, but I am sorry that only a select few people can accept me.
Anyway, I'll share some pictures from my Contemporary Cakes class with you now, because I think the cakes I made were decent. They were better than decent, they were pretty. I like them. And I hope you like them too.
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| Raspberry Entremet |
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| Chocolate Peanut Butter Entremet |
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| Interior of the Chocolate Peanut Butter Entremet |
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| Interior of the Lemon Basil Entremet |
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| Macaron Deco |
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| "Take Five" Entremet |
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| Modern Carrot Cake Entremet |
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| Interior of the "Modern Carrot Cake" Entremet |
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| Pea Crisps, Modeling Chocolate Peas, Quenelle of Whipped Cream Deco on the Peas and Carrots Entremet |
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| Peas and Carrots Entremet |
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| Interior of the Peas and Carrots Enremet |
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| Praline and Chocolate Bombe |
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| Strawberry Coconut Marshmallows |
So there it is, my last class wrapped up in a photo series. I'm on to the next class, which is Specialty Breads with Chef Welker. This class is going to be exhausting, mostly because it starts at 5 AM. I'm excited to take a class from a CMB who truly has a passion for his career, and I'm excited to move forward with my education. I just hope to walk out of this class less disappointed than I was last Friday.
